Sid's Closet - 'Unencrypted Hearts', J/D (completed birthday fic for Deeds)

Date: July 1

Subject: It pisses me off that you never fill in this line

Hey,

Just to say don’t bother calling me tonight. My crappy artefact-like cell phone has finally given up the ghost. It is deader than that parrot in the old comedy sketch you made me watch last week. The one that had you rolling around the floor and me not laughing. That one. Damn phone has all those great pix I took of you wearing Vala’s pink handcuffs. Encryption is a beautiful thing.

Nothing much happened here today. Still waiting on the go for the upcoming mission to the Planet of the Beings with Two Heads (actually it’s a fairly dull planet with utterly fascinating naquadria possibilities) I just said that to make life sound exciting. Which it isn’t.

Teal’c sends his love. OK, he kind of inclined his head a little but that’s as good as.

I miss you. The bed’s too big without you.

Love

Date: July 1

Subject: Re: It pisses me off that you never fill in this line like a loser

Shit.

No phone nookie? I’m poutin’ here.

Damn shame about those handcuff photos, because I think we both agree that pink is my color when it comes to cuffs of the hand variety. Mmm. Variety. Have I mentioned lately that I love your inventive brain? Snookums?

Tell T that I inclined my head back at him. The big flirt.

My bed is also… no. Actually, my bed is just the right size without you. And WAY too small when you’re in it. But then I believe we have discussed your sprawling tendencies and your subconscious need to invade and seize territory from helpless, snoring innocents many and many a time, n’est ce pas?

So the bed’s size is fine and good.

Bit cold, perhaps.

Date: July 1

Subject: Loser is as loser does. Loser.

You are so right about pink being your color. You look heavenly in those boxers dotted with the pink hearts that I bought you for Christmas. These emails are encrypted, right? I’d hate for your reputation as a bad ass general to be ruined if this got out to the grunts. On the other hand, I kind if like the idea of squads of jarheads mentally undressing you to find the pink, lacy underwear that lies beneath. Bwahahaha.

It’s getting late and I’m wrangling frigging departmental budget proposals here. What a waste of a brilliant mind. (Sam’s opinion not mine. She was trying to snaffle a Snickers at the time, hence the sucking up).

Speaking of sucking ... I am ridiculously horny. I don’t want to jerk off (well I do ...) because I want to save it for you and for Friday. Christ. It can’t come soon enough (and neither can I. LOL, which means laughing out loud, btw. Which means by the way). Four days, including one deadly-dull 24-hour mission, and counting.

Fyi, I do not sprawl. You insinuate your deliciously hard, hairy body beneath mine every chance you get. Every bed is the right size as long as we’re writhing in it together.

Do not initiate internet sex. I’m saving it.

Yours, sporting a hard-on with your name on it,

Date: July 1

Subject: :-P

:-P

And again I say, :-P

And please, please, do not mention Carter, sucking, and horniness in adjacent paragraphs. The mind… goes places.

Bad places.

Fun places, admittedly, but bad nonetheless. But I digress.

I like that you’re saving yourself for me. And my delicious hard, hairy body. Well, maybe the old body’s a little softer than it used to be, but the important bits still know how to stand to attention.

And that hard-on with my name on it? Is gonna have my mouth on it before you know it, sport.

Me? Internet sex? Initiate, yet? You make me LOL. Which, btw and fyi, I already knew.

(condescending prick.)

(with my name on it.)

Yours truly,

Truly Yours, Esq.

Date: July 1

Subject: :-P~~~~~~~~~

Hey,

Love to stop and banter and consider my favorite part of your body some more, but I’m out the door. Mission’s been bumped up by 24 hours and I need to be back at the SGC in an hour.

The aliens don’t really have two heads, you know. They’re boringly humanoid with a sense of humor akin to the Tollan and the dress sense of Kinthia’s crowd.

Mission should be a (very dull) walk in the park. Don’t worry, OK? Although it does give me the warm fuzzies to think of you thinking of me. Because you know I’m thinking of you. Always.

Sam says she’ll jury-rig an encrypted cell when we get back, just to keep me going until we sort out a new one.

I love you. And only you know how much.

Date: July 1

Subject:

Oh! Okay. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and I’ll talk to you in 24.

Unless you want to come home sooner, which would be a-okay with me.

Missing you already,

A. Bigsap

OXOXOX

Date: July 3

Subject:

You’re four hours late, Daniel.

You’re not responding to radio.

Two more hours and Hank’s sending in the Marines.

Date: July 3

Subject:

The fucking gate won’t dial, Daniel. What the hell is going on?

Date: July 3

Subject:

I’m too fucking far away. You’re on another planet and I’m 1500 miles too far away. How fucking stupid is that?

Date: July 4

Subject:

Help’s on the way, Daniel. Whatever’s going on, whatever’s happened, just hang in there.

I need you to just hang in there.

Date: July 4

Subject: YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Tornados? Tornados, Daniel? As in, multiple? With bonus electrical storms?

Just when you think you aren’t in Kansas anymore…

I’m sending a memo to your two-headed lunk-headed hosts, advising them to kindly build some storm shelters that allow radio signals to pass through. Because it kind of would’ve been nice to get a sit rep before THE FUCKING GATE FRIED!

Am also sending flowers to Carter for unfrying it.

Hurry home.

Goddamnit. Stay and help if you have to.

Just remember that I’m waiting.

I love you.

Date: July 5

Subject: God, I’m tired

Hey,

I’m fine and I’m home. OK. I’ll revise that slightly before Lam rats me out, even though I made her promise not to.

Some wood splinters lodged in my right eye when a tornado hit while we were leading some of the civilians to safety after the first big one struck. The local doctor took care of it pretty well, and Lam says there’s no lasting damage. Reading is hard and I’m squinting like fuck at the computer screen. Headache is imminent. I have a very fetching eye patch on at the moment. Vala says it makes me look dark and mysterious, like a man with a past. I think I look like a demented Long John Silver. Maybe we can indulge in some pirate sex role-play when I get home (which should be tomorrow with any luck). You can pretend I’m Johnny Depp. The eye hurts a little, but nothing I can’t cope with. And my sense of touch is unimpaired, which is lucky for me because I need to feel your skin beneath my hands.

And I really need to hear your voice, Jack. Not on an unsecured line where all we can do is make small talk. Sorry, that sounds a little needy. I’m tired and aching and I miss you like fuck.

Date: July 5

Subject: God, I’m tired, now with added pissed-offedness.

Dear you,

Within minutes of sending the last email, Mitchell came out in a very unattractive red rash. It could be something. It could be nothing. It could be alien-induced. It could be uber hives. Lam has us all in precautionary quarantine. Mitchell’s next door, visible through the glass. It’s tense. Sam keeps throwing him dirty looks. She was having way too much fun with the cell phone encryption thingy. She was nearly there too. Damn.

I’ve decided I look like Rooster Cogburn. Which is both good and bad.

And I miss you like fuck. I keep thinking of that time we drove up to the cabin on a whim. Remember? It was early on. About a year after Sha’uri died. It was snowing so hard. We pulled off the road and slept in the truck. It was so cold, but you hauled me in and kept me warm. I fell so hard for you that weekend. I’m still falling.

FUCK.

Looks like I’m stuck.

PS Why aren’t you answering? Why does the universe hate me?

Date: July 5

Subject: God, I’m tired, now with extra, EXTRA added pissed-offedness.

It’s official.

I’m here for the duration.

I repeat. FUCK.

Me xx

Date: July 5

Subject:

Hey, Sleeping Beauty.

When you get your eyes open, look up.

Meanwhile, keep on dreaming that you’re warm and safe in my arms. (I’m assuming. Maybe it’s just me. I can’t get that image out of my head since you mentioned it. We need another road trip, baby.)

Yours, always, completely

Date: July 6

Subject:

Don’t wake up for a few minutes, okay?

I’m off to stretch my legs, have a pee, glare at Mitchell and pester Lam. How hard is it to figure out if a rash isn’t your typical rash, anyway?

Coffee would be good about now, too. Maybe I’ll grab a cup with Hank. He’s been wandering in and out all night. I suspect it’s less worry about you guys and more worry about what I might get up to if he doesn’t keep an eye on me. He could tell you a few stories.

Be back soon,

an anonymous pirate groupie

(btw, I don’t know how you can sleep with Carter making all that racket. Something about infirmary beds always brings out the snorer in her. Teal’c keeps rolling over and giving her dirty looks. But then I don’t think he ever has really gotten the hang of the whole ‘sleep’ thing.)

Date: July 6

Subject:

Any time now would be good.

Seriously.

Getting bored.

The good news is that none of you have shown any signs of Mitchell’s Rash of Mystery. Which seems to be going away, slowly. Lam’s waiting on test results, and then she’s threatening to be ‘prudent’.

Bah.

Want you.

Date: July 6

Subject: Are you not filling this in deliberately now, just to annoy me?

Hey,

You’re here! I believe the phrase is eleventy!billion!!!! (or something. I’m not as hip as I pretend to be). You look like shit. Get some sleep. You look cute when you’re asleep, and about 30 years younger, which makes you my toy boy.

Lam says she’ll tell us whether or not we can go home in about five hours.

Sam’s snoring sounds like a buzz saw. Teal’c’s going to cause her harm. He likes his peace and quiet, with or without candles. Mitchell is grinning at us like the supercilious ass he can be sometimes because his rash is all but gone. He mimed that he’s out of here at lunchtime.

I’m getting claustrophobic in here. Take me away for a few days. Please? Just you and me and fresh air and a big, big, bed.

I lied, btw. You don’t look like shit. You look like heaven.

And I’ll be interrogating Hank forthwith.

Date: July 6

Subject: They don’t call you a genius for nothing

I said Hank could tell you some stories. Never said he would.

Five hours? Guess I’ll mosey on over to your place and throw a few things in a suitcase for you. Maybe take a nap there for a couple of hours. It’ll be good to be in your bed.

I have many fond memories of that bed and the activities which have taken place therein.

So.

Minnesota?

I’ll fuel up your car. When’s the last time you had your oil changed? Never mind, I’ll check the sticker.

I can almost hear the loons now.

Date: July 6

Subject: Not for nothing, indeed. That’s not a Teal’c ‘indeed’ btw

Bunting time, baby! Just been given the all-clear. Mitchell bugged out hours ago, lucky for him. An allergy rash? An ALLERGY rash??? Sam’s going to kill him. If she reaches him before Teal’c.

I’m SO out of here.

You’ve really managed to get a few days off? We can really get away, be together, touch and hold and fuck our brains out, er, fish and relax? God, please say yes.

Please check your email ASAP.

I’M A HORNY, PISSED-OFF ARCHAEOLOGIST, GET ME OUT OF HERE. (I believe they call it capslocking. It’s meant for emphasis. Like one is shouting. I am shouting. Begging. Pleading.

Your cock is mine, your ass is mine. I am so fucking horny ...

This is encrypted, right? I know I’ve asked before ...

Love you, and very soon you’re going to feel how much.

Date: July 6

Subject:

Fishing and relaxing. Yes. That’s the official story.

Also digging for pirate booty. Because I am so turned on by the swash of your buckle that I can’t keep my hands off you.

Also my mouth, tongue. Teeth.

Teeth, Daniel. You know what my teeth on you do to you. You’ll be begging for my cock. If I’m limber enough, I can have you begging for my cock while you’re fucking me.

Are you shooting in your pants yet? Me, too. Which is a tad awkward since I’m here at the motor pool having your oil changed and your belts and hoses checked out.

Ooh, even that sounds dirty.

I just asked the sergeant how much longer. Meet me up top in twenty. And bring that prick with my name on it along while you’re at it.

With love,

A. Horny General

Date: July 6

Subject: FILL IN THIS FREAKING LINE FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE

Dear You,

I ‘m not cooling my heels for twenty. Do you KNOW how horny I am, oh allegedly Horny General??

If you’re not here in ten I’m taking this prick with your name on it and spending some quality time alone with it in a secluded men’s room.

I love you, you delicious, snarky bastard.

How soon can we make a pit stop on our road trip? I’m thinking dirty, quick, up-against-the-door mutual jerking off in a sleazy service station. Oh CHRIST, I have to stop thinking about sex.

Sexsexsex.

Get here soon.

Minnesota and snuggling here we come, baby.

xxxxx